the apotheosis of abigail van buren

long ago nathanael west wrote “miss lonelyhearts”
the title character was a disillusioned young man
in the employ of a local newspaper
that paid him to manufacture advice

and the human misery revealed in the letters he got
and the futility of whatever advice he dispensed
drained his soul
and then felled him

some time later twin sisters became advice columnists
one called herself “ann landers” and the other “abigail van buren”
and friends called them “eppie” and “popo”
their first names were really pauline and esther

they are gone now
“dear abby” lives on in the person of pauline’s daughter
and her column is still in newspapers
though pulp-paper print media are on their way out

we cannot avoid getting advice nowadays
lose that belly fat or up your orgasms using this one stupid trick
(careful–it may be the same trick)
and we are behavior-tracked so much our desires sublime and base are low-hanging fruit

so dear abby is become a virtual god
and her deificity is on the wax
so much so that live long enough
and she’ll tell you not to read nonsense like this