1. Don’t just baffle them with bullshit. BOMBARD them with bullshit. BURY them in bullshit.
2. If they catch you cheating, call THEM cheats. If they catch you lying, call THEM liars. You can do this with absolute sincerity, even if they haven’t cheated or lied since childhood.
3. Find dirt on them. Ask their enemies. Go to the ends of the earth. Go back to last century if you need to. If you don’t find anything heart-stopping enough, make something up.
4. When talking about how horrible your opponent is, ask an outrageous question and then weasel out of slander with your answer. Example: “Wasn’t she the one behind the human-trafficking and pedophilia activity operated out of a pizzeria? –I dunno, you tell me.”
5. Predict awful, catastrophic stuff that is sure to happen should your opponent get elected. Stock-market crashes and world wars are good places to start, but don’t stop there.
6. Every time your incumbent has something bad happen during their term in office, tell the world that it never would have happened if you had been in office.
7. Whenever good stuff happens during your incumbent opponent’s term in office, ignore it, or, better yet, belittle it, or, best of all, take credit for it
8. Make up a disparaging, alliterative name for your opponent. Use it as often as you can, dragging it in by the heels if need be.
9. When making a speech, interrupt yourself constantly, avoiding short sentences, or preferably any complete sentence at all. Gibberish, delivered with a theatrically singsong voice and odd repetitive gestures, can be hypnotic
10. Behind the scenes, make shady deals with hostile foreign powers and business folk seeking either legality for criminality or Cabinet posts. Sell that legality, sell those posts, sell pardons, and sell yourself as if there were no tomorrow.
11. Avoid the Milk of Human Kindness at all costs.

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