It seems as if there is a conspiracy against the elderly

Certain packagings do not open properly or at all when you follow their opening instructions to the letter

It might for instance say TEAR HERE and you find to your dismay that the place indicated is unperforated and unbearable

Or they lull you with something that tears wonderfully and satisfyingly yet the zip-locking arrangement beneath is so grippingly locked that you futilely apply more and more pullapart force till you risk ripping the plastic and having half the tortillas slide to the unmopped kitchen floor

And then there are the pot pies whose perforation patterns do not work because the faux cardboard bends to pressure rather than part along the perforations so you have to saw with serrated knife or reperforate with a fork and both are ineffective so you end up frenziedly ripping & mangling the box top like the devil doll in Trilogy of Terror

And THEN you are invited to “slit the top” of the pot pie which is frozen brick-hard and you have to wield a meat cleaver if you have one or a chef’s knife if you don’t (you don’t) with the swiftness of a medieval executioner cleaving a neck

And there are also pickle jars and fruit-juice bottles that require superhuman torque to un-vacuum-pack

Why, even a simple mustard or ketchup pack can ro rogue by being difficult to tear and when you squeeze hard from necessity the foil suddenly gives way with an inelegant SPLUTCH! and a big little mess

This is the second quarter of the TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, for crying out loud

Astronauts have gone beyond the Moon this very week

The least our genius inventors can do is to make a package that opens ITSELF with the voice command Open O Sesame

Can you tell me how to get, how to get

To Open O Sesame Street?