Bill Campana, the Funniest Man on Earth

Mug Squared

My talented poet friend Bill

Holds a mug that I made for him. Will

He use it? You bet!

Mug on mug, no regret,

Caffeination’s his everyday thrill.

.

Long ago Bill Campana, pictured above, commissioned a coffee mug from me, and I made him one, and he used it for years. It accidentally broke, and though Bill has other mugs, the thought of him without a working mug of my design disquieted me. I gave him a new mug last Sunday, and he graciously posed for this pic, mugging for the camera. 🙂

Father, with a Touch of Hood

One: Yesterday

I am at the 5 & Diner on Colter and 16th Street/Finishing a scoop of ice cream/Which followed an omelette made with shaved steak, peppers, onions/And two kinds of cheese.

It is my slightly naughty (being diabetic) Father’s Day gift to myself.

The two women who made me a father thirty-five years, two months, and one week ago/Live together with a floating population of cats/In the house I once shared with them.

They want to have nothing to do with me, indefinitely/And I have been respecting their wishes.

It has been this way for more than four years.

It hurts less and less as time goes on/But Father’s Day amps up the gaping ache.

Life goes on.

.

Two: Today

It’s my day off. I think, as I have many times/Of writing a letter to Kate/And reminding her/That we have had hundreds of good times together/And that we both love the movies, and Hawaiian and Mongolian barbecue,

And asserting that the explosive argument that started our estrangement/Began with a misunderstanding,

And asking her forgiveness for my crimes against the family,/Including me never ever attending a PTO meeting/When she was a student,/And gambling away a chunk of what should have been family money,

And I would ask consideration for the hours I spent teaching her to read and to count and to write her name (that one took two weeks)/So that she could apply for and obtain a library card at age 3…

But the fire sparked by my real need/To be a father to my daughter again/Flickers and dies with the realization/That after four years the voltage is still sky-high/And what I want is not the issue at stake,

And her specific request at last writing was “please let me go” even though “I know this makes you very sad.”

Even bringing this out in the open/Makes me feel like a hoodlum,

A Father, with a touch of Hood.

when senator alex padilla was thrown to the ground

for “failing to identify himself” (he had just said his name)

and “elevating his voice” (it was crowded and noisy)

upon the “remove him!” command

of a dog- and goat-shooting favor-curryer

and handcuffed and thug-handled away

from the field of play,

the senator’s attempt to ask a question

was thwarted with extreme prejudice.

the administration was protesting

the senator’s existence.

the incidents of undue process

upticked by one.

somehow lately it has become fashionable/to curate things rather than merely make them

in this odd marketing-of-self move/many of us who support NPR/have become receptors of curated audio

but the clowns among us imagine/making lab instrumentation whilst wearing funny pants

curating curettes in culottes

and as a newly-minted curator I can curate a starscape of dandruff/by scratching my head over black paper

then process a pork product by curating a cured ham sandwich

it’s fun

but it drives the curated pretentionitis cure rate down

the charging cord kept falling out of my phone so

i took it to my provider and the rep verified so

i got a deal for a free new phone but

it involved a change of provider so

there was a mess of identity verification and old pin number and keeping current phone number and terms and conditions not to mention th guy from the other network trying to set me up spent inordinate time kissing my ass and apologizing several times for getting vital data required for transfer wrong for instance thinking march was the fifth month of the year and therefore my debit card info was deemed invalid

meanwhile the rep thinking she can multitask by taking payments from walk-ins and ringing up phone purchases

and when the logjam finally cleared and the phone transfer mission was accomplished i ask her if I can trade the cord that came with the phone which has the same adapter at both ends for one with the phone plugin at on end and usb port adapter at the other and she says it will cost me because i am the other guy’s customer now and not her customer no more

and I end up paying about $32.50 for a highspeed plugin charger

and the happy ending is this very second i am finishing a poem

on my new phone

So glad to be making acrostic poems again!

Ogee Whiz

Old fine Edifices glow

Gingerbreading quells uh-oh

Edgy edges end ennui

E-Z …dubya ex wye Z

One type of Ogee is a cutout shape involving both convex and concave curvature. The ogee arches sketched above have apical points.

Gingerbreading is use of a motif for trim to enhance windows or ledges. Some older architecture in downtown Phoenix features gingerbreading.

“Ogee Whiz” is pun-translatable into “Oh, Gee Whiz.” That’s a Bad Pun, but a worse one would be if I tagged a snowblank with the contents of my bladder with the monogram “OG.” It would not stand for “Original Gangsta” nor “Old Guy” but would be simply OG, and since it would be made from urine, colloquially known as Whiz, it would be OG Whiz.

the distance between 32nd st slightly north of thomas on the east side of the street/and the mcdonald’s slightly south of indian school on the west side of 32nd st/is exactly one mile

after you walk across 32nd st and head north/you will pass an apartment complex that touts its “sparkling pool” but beware/for another sign that says “newly renovated” has been up for over a year

you will walk past what once was a church and what now seems to purport to be/a sanctuary for people who are bent but not broken

and past the southbound bus stop at clarendon/you will approach another apartment complex/one that once had a “now leasing” banner with a number to call/but the banner is gone and since i once lived there it amuses me to think/that a resident driven to enragement by inattention to such issues as pest control and mold management has torn down the banner

and walking past that artifact of pestiferous memory you now approach the fabled golden arches

and it’s pleasantly slightly warm being early/and your hunger has nicely gestated/and you feel slightly druglessly buzzed

melllow with three ells

with a mild case of the munchies

bone spur

here is a foot with a genuine bone spur.

the owner of the foot has lived with the spur

for more than fifty years, managing

to play tennis, football, the other football, capture the flag, and king of the mountain;

managing to finish three marathons, six half-marathons, and dozens of 10K footraces;

managing to climb piestewa peak’s summit trail at least ten times and its circumferential trail at least four times; managed to climb atop camelback mountain at least three times; has taken the peralta trailhead to a good view of the weaver’s needle in the superstition mountains at least twice, once carrying a toddler on his back;

has managed the bone-spur pain and sensitivity mostly without medication;

has managed not to talk about it at any length till now, when its relevance trends every now and then.

the owner of this bone-spurred foot

avers that a bone spur need not be an impediment for ANY sort of activity

though that activity may be accompanied by the occasional yelp.

this has been a public service announcement

and an excuse to brag.

please Vote.