The company I work for, SSP America, manages restaurants at airports. They hired me as a host/cashier in November 2015. I was looking for work that would keep me on my feet all day, and thus reduce my risk of cardiac disease. They were having a cattle call at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, and they were looking for dependable, trainable, honest human beings who would agree to work for the pay they offered.

Five years later I have said hello and goodbye to thousands of people I have never met, and the comfort that comes with experience has made me less of an introvert and more of an empath. Sizing people up in terms of what they hope to get out of the restaurant experience we offer is a learned skill, and I am learning.

And one thing I’ve learned is that there is one innocent joke I can tell that is so simple and so harmless and so stupid that if told with just a half-dash of slyness will give most people a boost. I learned it in the summer of 1965, yet none of the hundreds I’ve told it to had ever heard it.

Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?

No?

Well, well, well.

On Facebook I have just finished the third of five takes of a series called “ah, humanness.” This two-word humdinger of a phrase showed up in a comment by my poet friend Susan Vespoli a few days ago. It has been stuck in my head ever since. Some of that is due to Eugene G. O’Neill, an American playwright of the 20th Century.

In Drama class in high school we were required to portray roles from classic plays of our choosing. At home were books of decades past bequeathed to my mother by our unrelated-by-blood Aunt Peg, and there were several plays by Eugene O’Neill among them. So in class I became both Driscoll and Yank for Yank’s death scene in Bound East for Cardiff, and I got a rave review from Miss Ornstein (later Mrs. Frye) for my Eben Cabot in Desire Under the Elms. But one of O’Neill’s Dramatis Personae that would have fit me like my skin was Richard, pretentious and melodramatic schoolboy son of newspaper publisher Nat Miller, in perhaps the only well-known comedy penned by O’Neill, a charming slice of Americana called…Ah, Wilderness!

The title is derived, of course, from the famous Quatrain XII by Hakim Omar Khayyám, as translated by Edward FitzGerald, poet and contemporary of William Makepeace Thackeray and Alfred, Lord Tennyson. It goes something like this:

A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
A Loaf of Bread, a Jug of Wine, and Thou
Beside me singing in the Wilderness–
Ah, Wilderness were Paradise enow!

I say “something like this” because there were at least five editions of FitzGerald’s translation, and he fiddled with the translations between editions, and the one above seems to be the popular version. But you will find that the Jug is a Flask sometimes, and sometimes it precedes the Loaf of Bread. There’s also the fact that FitzGerald, partly to cleave to the Quatrain form with its rhyme scheme aaba, did a free translation, wandering from a direct translation for the sake of liveliness and pith. Here for comparison is a more literal translation done by Edward Heron-Allen, an English scholar who was born only two years before Edward FitzGerald died:

I desire a little ruby wine and a book of verses,
Just enough to keep me alive, and half a loaf is needful;
And then, that I and thou should sit in a desolate place
Is better than the kingdom of a sultan.

I’m going with FitzGerald, who for my money gives Khayyám more Zing, and yet retains his core content. Of course, it’s a stretch to turn a “desolate place” into a “wilderness.”

Ah, Wilderness. Ah, Desolate Place.

Ah, Humanness. Just a little free-translative twist…

The Poetry that springs from whence we’ve wended,
The Warp, the Woof, the Fabric rent and mended,
The words with friends, the text exchange, a phrase–
Ah, Humanness, this Poet I’ve befriended!

So I have resolved to write a Rubáiyát of my own. FitzGerald’s later editions contained more than 100, but fewer than 200, quatrains, a selection from the more than 1200 attributed to Khayyám. I will do at least 200. It may take a few days, but my confidence that I can do it at all is based on the send-up I did long ago on Algernon Swinburne’s “Garden of Proserpine” and its 112 lines; my “The Compost of Alginate Windburn” had 136 lines, among them these:

We are not sure of value
And zest is not demure
When winning a new pal, you
Must sell and grin and lure;
And lust, grown vaguely cryptic
Ensorcels us in diptych
Then stings our face with styptic
Once shaven shearly sure.

Swinburne’s form, with its penultimate-lines triplet, is more complex by far than Khayyám’s quatrains. I knocked off the “Ah, Humanness” quatrain in less than 10 minutes. I figure a 30-hour workweek will be sufficient for my Rubáiyát, but we’ll see.

As the title of this post indicates, I’ll be assuming the ridiculous nom de plume of Ghary Khayyáhowyadūn [Gary. Hi ya, how ya doin.] for this endeavor. If I stumble into something better than slapstick-whither-thou-goest for this thing–and I earnestly HOPE to, believe me–so much the better. Stay tuned, Friends!



The phrase “train wreck” now seems to apply more to people and situations than trains. Early in my restaurant days a manager used it to describe the trail of maple syrup I’d negligently created that went all the way from the host stand to the dish pit. What a mess!!

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My former co-worker at Samaritan Health/Patient Financial Services, June Hall Allen, and I were texting each other on Facebook Messenger. I had just finished my Dolly Parton portraits but had not posted them yet, and I invited June to a sneak preview. When she saw them she was lavish with her praise, and then asked me if I could draw a manatee. I told her truthfully that I can draw anything…badly. (True. It only takes a split second to draw a Galaxy. Just use your pencil to make a dot, say it’s a DISTANT Galaxy, and that the dot is a perfect representation of its radio emissions.) But I decided to give it a try, and I did, and June lavished more praise on me and wanted to buy it for $80 (and WOW, that’s putting your money where your Lavish Praise is, June!) but I of course refused monetary payment for such a sweet praise-lavishing friend of more than twenty years, and asked instead to blog-post it, and here we are.

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At the risk of making people see something they will not be able to unsee, I daresay that a Manatee would be perfect for a reincarnation of Bert Lahr.

manatee

making waves be habitat
makes a wavy life at that

and there is a give & take
and warm water sets you free

now you’re swimming and awake
nothing like a chance to Be

Another Bad Pun Brain Teaser today. Here is the contest, and the response, as it appears now on my Samsung laptop:

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Scott and Jess are frequent flyers with my contests, and frequent winners. So this time I made an Executive Decision:

WOW, that didn’t take long. Scott, multi-Bad Pun winner, has the correct answer. Jessica, multi-Bad Pun winner, has THREE brilliant answers, and the Judges say they would accept at least two of them, the left one and the right one.

What am I going to do with you two brilliant people? I don’t want to discourage you, but I do want to give ordinary mortals a chance. So here’s the deal: henceforth, you two must WAIT TO POST a minimum of ONE HOUR. As soon as you get the answer, write it down and take a time-stamped pic, so if you both get it the prize will go to the first.


Meanwhile, I’ll try to come up with harder Bad Pun Brain Teasers. Truly, I am in awe!

Oh, the Judges would also have accepted “River Deep, Mountain High,” and, if Dolly were wearing too tight a bra, “PLEASE Release Me, Let Me Go.”
ETA on the two Dollies is three days or so. I want to do them justice.

One more acceptable answer–blinding flash of the obvious from Yours Truly–“Hello, Dolly.”


And here is what Scott will receive in the mail in a couple of days:

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And this one’s for Jess:

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Congratulations to the brilliant Winners!!

Today my daughter and I finished watching “Queen’s Gambit” while eating Hawaiian Barbecue. It was a thrilling story with a deeply satisfying ending, a joy to watch. But it’s not why I am posting this. I have Kate’s kind permission to post our text exchange from when she asked me if lunch were a go to just before I arrived where she lives. This holographic blog would not be complete without a record of the way my daughter and I interact. And Hallelujah that we do, the way that we do. She truly is the child I always wanted. (Note: text was copied from a Gmail message to myself and for some reason it stapled the thumbnail of years-ago myself and a little ancillary text to the dialog. Please ignore.)

****

text for blog postInbox

Kate: Lunchtime okay?
Dad: Woo hoo!!! Better than OK! You want Hawaiian?

Kate: Hawaiian sounds great!
Dad: Lovely. What would the ideal time be for deliviies?

NOTE: In 1998 there was a family reunion in Lakewood, California. Joni, Kate and I stayed at a hotel. Visible from our window was a sign on a restaurant that proudly proclaimed “WE MAKE DELIVIIES!” So “deliviies” is an inside joke.

Kate: Noonish?
Dad: Good! Appreciate the Ish. Vagaries of PubTrans, yknow…

Kate: I expect lunch at 12:03:51, not a jiffy sooner or later.
Dad: Fuck!!
Dad: I am so Effed

[Kate sends a GIF of Captain America scoldingly saying “Language!”]
Dad: But OK, Cap. Love ya. Would Joni want some?

Kate: I don’t fucking know, I’ll ask. 😛
Dad: Chuckle out loud.
Dad: Please rext your household’s order by 11:30.
Dad: Text it, too.

Kate: She says no, she doesn’t really care for it. I like the #4.
Dad: Okey dokey.

Kate: See you noonish. 🙂
[Exchange of Thumbs Ups]

Kate: At least I think it’s still #4. The Hawaiian BBQ mix if numbers fail me.
Dad: BBQ mix it is. Love you, Daughter

Kate: Love you too, Father.
Kate: I suggest you bundle up before you leave. Heat is pretty nonexistent in the house.
Dad: Will do, thanks. Leaving now.

[Thumbs Up from Kate]
Dad: Got hailed on with the vitest little hail. Just got on the bus.
Dad: *cutest

Kate: Aww. Door will be unlocked when you get here.
Dad: Thank you, mija.
Dad: Just missed the train, gosh darn heck gee whizzers. I will be latish.
Kate: Glad you are sufficiently bundled, then.

Here in Phoenix, Arizona, snow is exceedingly rare. Today we saw that rarity.

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For the first time in a long lifetime, mostly in the Valley of the Sun, I was able to make a snowball with Phoenix snow. I put this one in my freezer.

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I posted it on Facebook, and a friend asked me if I could make a Snow Angel. I told him I could make a tiny one with my fingers, Then I did this.

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Conclusion: Magic is a rarity, and vice versa.