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hand-beaned

November 1, 2025
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wrobleski of the dodgers delivered a pitch high

and quite near the bat-gripping hand

of blue jay gimenez. the pitch was not too far

from gimenez’s head, come to that. gimenez

reflexively dodge-danced, perhaps reacting

out of fear of being beaned.

(beaning is hitting the batter in the head with a pitch. last century bean was one of many slang words for head.)

then came trouble. wrobleski threw a pitch

near-identical to the previous one and this one

smacked gimenez on the hand, hard. soon the field

had outraged blue jays swarming onto it. wrobleski

acted the injured innocent whilst gimenez

was escorted down the first base line

by a peacekeeping umpire. the beef soon cooled.

(a beef is a dispute. the blue jays felt the opposing pitcher had twice attempted to dust off their teammate. dusting off is a deliberate attempt by a pitcher to intimidate a batter with a pitch dangerously near the batter’s body or head. cooling the beef is settling things down without a fight.)

ah, but then in a nicely karmic turn of events,

blue jay springer drilled a wrobleski pitch

right up the middle, hard, right into wrobleski’s legs.

a stadium filled with blue jay fans cheered wildly.

a leg-bean for a hand-bean

is not exactly an eye for an eye, but

roughish justice had been served.

The Umpire’s New Clothes

March 4, 2025
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Roy McRae was in a fix/Since Roy McRae was in a crash/And his Fiat Spider was burnt to a crisp/Along with his Umpire’s uniform.

His street clothes smoked his time too short/He ducked in a nearby menswear store/And behold a tuxedo fit well. With a snort/He snagged a cab. It began to storm.

He prayed that rain would postpone the game/Alas though the stadium was a dome/And he got there spiffy but wet of hame/And despaired that he didn’t have time to change.

The fans went crazy to see the fella/Unregulatory below the neck/But he said “Play Ball!” though no Cinderella/Felt more out of place, but hey, what the heck.

He called the pitches with delicacy/The batters baffled his voice so soft/The pitchers howling with unfettered glee/The fans as well. And then far aloft

A too-slow pitch was sent to the stands/And near the foul pole it did go/But Roy scratched his cap and threw up his hands/And cried, “Fair or foul? I just don’t know.“

And history, Friends, that day was made/And things will never be quite the same/For Roy McRae made the record book grade/As the first Ump ejected from the game.

.

And the moral of the story is

Clothes make the person

So watch what you wear

Because things may worsen

If you’re too debonair.

Pro Prop Proper Property diptych

September 5, 2024
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The Los Angeles Dodger

Leans on his bat as if it is a crutch

Then straightens and strolls to the batter’s box and takes his picture-perfect stance

And on the first pitch owns the New York Met who threw him an uncutting cutter, parabolizing the ball into the left-field upper deck

****

On the publicity pamphlet for the upcoming vote the city’s Chamber of Commerce had written an 800-word syllogism-laced argument in favor

Of Proposition 69 which ironically would outlaw simultaneous consensual oral sex between the hours of 9 AM and 5 PM

On the basis that doing so flouted certain sacrosanct societal norms and/or cultural proprieties

And implied that the bodies of citizens belonged to themselves

boys of summer (for socorro olsen)

July 1, 2014
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A dear and as yet unmet in person friend of mine, Socorro Olsen, created and conducts a poetry group in Facebook. Every Tuesday I contribute a thread called “Title Tuesday.” I offer five titles for fellow poets to hang their poems on. I also invite more titles. Today, this Tuesday, Socorro offered “Boys of Summer.” She thus catalyzed my poem below.

boys of summer

some boys of summer are gloved and batted and capped
on fields of dirt and grass
chasing a hidecovered stitchedup ball
and their gloves and the dirt and the wood of the bats
mix spoors with the sweet smell of cutgrass
and the smell is pure baseball

some boys of summer are after girls
and yet not being dorkily shy
and they sidle and longingly eye
the pretty gigglers
the breathtakingly mousy librarianesques
the stately tall ones the smiley plump ones
and the boys wish for fate to intervene
and get them the hand of a girl to hold
and yet no need on their part
to put their boy-egos on the line
to profess like much less love
the boys dream
though they walk awake

some boys of summer build en garage
some boys of summer hike and camp
some read and read and read
and some alas throw bricks through windows

but
when summer winks out with the equinox
it leaves a little firefly in some of the boys
and some of the girls
and some of the grownups

Batter UP/HEY Batta Batta Batta

June 5, 2014
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001

Half a day or so ago I watched a rebroadcast of Major League Baseball’s Arizona Diamondbacks versus the Colorado Rockies. Going into the eighth inning the D-Backs were down 8 to 5. But soon the bases were loaded, a walk was forced in, and then Paul Edward Goldschmidt, affectionately known as “Goldy,” lanced a three-run double down the third baseline, and the tide was turned.

To anyone unfamiliar with the esoterica of baseball, the preceding sentence is full of gibberish, as is this commemorative page. But I hope the page and its cadences work as metaphor and visual engagement for those unfamiliar with baseball.

“Batter Up,” said by the umpire, is the traditional way to start a half-inning. “HEY Batta Batta Batta,” said by the catcher and various of his teammates, is classic “pepper,” chattery words said to disconcert the batsman. Alas, modern professional baseball seems to lack this particular spice.

Batter UP

Buy a ticket, go, and then U
Are where Food Courts apprehend U
There’s a T-Bone on the menu
Tip your cup your hand your cap
Easy does it–loll and yap
Righteous Game is on the map

HEY Batta Batta Batta

Hurler squints and grips the orb
Hitter, in the moment, Zorba
Here the pitch comes–SWING–he hits it
Hammered, but the shortstop gets it

Elegance and s t a m i n a
Errors happen: WHAM and flub
Earned Run Averages rise–a
Eulogy for wild/crazed guys–it
Engineers a Bullpen dance–it
Ends the run extravaganza

You warble till you lose your Warb
You soak up fun–as you absorb, a
Youngness is, with which you’re kist
You add GRIN to your All-Done list
You see again the skyback vista

everyone was baseball today

March 10, 2014
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everyone was baseball today
from residents of peoria
to the guy with the russian accent hawking his sno-cones
from the chewers of gum who wish it were tobacco
to the neverplayagain first base coach whose skin is naugahyde

everyone was baseball today
the guys singing the national anthem mispronounced ‘perilous’
just as they must
the bigshot with the 242mill contract got picked off third whilst daydreaming
(on an island? on a magazine cover? in a desirable woman?)
the dutiful dugout guys signing autographs sometimes warm up to a kid with a sharpie
the ump easing into a chatup with a guy who’s lucky just to be at spring training
and will soon be gone forever

CRAK! went bats a-r-c went the white pillish sphere hustle! went young legs turning a double play
cleated-up-green-grass wafted over us down the third base line
the sky was baseball the woman with the twofoot lens was too and the cheap-food vendors
and we all grinned with baseball today

Improv Action, Plus

March 2, 2013
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Image

The twice-told words:

I never knew what’s who the why of schizophrenia
Mortality uncoils just when the route is getting scenic
Plumbago blue and roses red make violet–it’s neat
Rejoiced in Soda Pop since I was knee-high to a Nehi
One of billions–carbonation China to Ohio
Vinegar and baking soda foam up like Orion

Notes

Two things I want to say about the image. One: the near-sphere in the middle that the guy with the clipboard is either standing on or projected from is a duodecahedron, one of the five “regular solids” whose every facet is some polygon. (The tetrahedron and the cube are two other Regular Solids.) Two: I much enjoyed depicting a cat and a woman sharing a halo.

One more thing

My girlfriend’s son, Sean Wegner, has a birthday today. I did a page on him celebrating not only his birthday but also his deep abiding love for baseball. Several teams are mentioned in this quadruple acrostic…

Image