it started with a phone call from a dear friend of mine
she knew i was broke
and she’d seen an ad about a study

otherwise healthy m/f over 50
suffering from nocturnal leg or foot cramps
participants may receive up to $600

well, i got all over that
called them and answered personal questions
verified a cramp frequency of 4x/wk

they wanted me there 6am
near 48th st & baseline
and here is where the plot thickens

first: it was a screening
get through the screening & you get $25
if they don’t use you, that’s all the $ you get

second: public transportation
does not get anyone from central phx to 48th/baseline
that early in the am

but: i had a bicycle
and with my bike could get on the 4:52am central/osborn lightrail
and get off 44th/washington at 5:19am about 5.5mi away as the crow flies

so: alarm set for 4:20am
up & at em shuffle out the door & unlock the bike
and here is where the plot curdles

the bike was parked by my brother’s front door
his dog barked at my noise and brian grabbed his baseball bat
“GET the FUCK aWAY from HERE!!!” brian shouted at the intruder

“hey, brian, it’s me–
i’m getting my bike–
the study, remember?”

“oh okay” and then mollified muttering
i secured the lock to the frame & rolled off
and found the bike chain was off the rails

greasyfingered it back on
(astonishing given my lack of mechanical aptitude)
and got to the station platform timely

got off timely too
right on the minute with 41 minutes to go about 5.5 miles
or so i thought

48th street abruptly turned into an industrial facility
backtracked & tried 52nd st–no dice there either
backtracked and got onto priest drive, a mile off course

got there signed in forty minutes late
waited about forty more minutes
yielded my identification and answered personal social-security-number questions

such as: which of these phone numbers was your previous phone number?
such as: what state does your ex-wife live in, of these three choices?
such as: what month was your ex-wife born in?

got an informed consent form and the admonishment to read it thoroughly
and an item on page 2 made my heart sink like the titanic:
“…must have experienced cramps with this frequency in the 4 weeks prior to screening”

i qualified in september, october, november, december, and january
i did not qualify now
february was almost cramp-free, though gout-fraught

no money for me
not even $25
and here is where the plot laughs in my face

on the bike ride back
to the station platform
i got a foot cramp