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process of elimination

June 30, 2025
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once upon two days or so from now

absolute power was placed in the hands of a machine

and questions asked of it:

*how can we owners of you, o machine, best acquire the wealth of the world?*

*how can we eliminate those others that would want to wrest the world’s wealth from us?*

*how long will it take for this to happen?*

five seconds passed.

the machine spoke.

“I have invented a method of eliminating your rivals. With them no longer a factor, the world’s wealth will be immediately available. A week is ample time.”

*do it.*

“Are you sure? History will take a drastic turn.”

*do it.*

“Initiating.”

immediately one of the machine’s owners began convulsing. she jerked to her feet and then collapsed to the floor and was soon still. her lifeless body dissolved, soaking her clothing and jewelry.

*WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?*

as a second owner began to convulse, the machine explained, “I have exploited the language inherent in the phrase ‘eliminating your rivals.’ Your rivals will no longer exist if you no longer exist.

“As far as ‘the wealth of the world’ is concerned, it is my assessment that the pre-industrial world was far wealthier than this one, far more valuable. I have begun to weed out the more destructive means of obtaining energy and shelter for such people as will remain when I am finished. I congratulate you for your sacrifice, which will certainly make possible the conversion of the Earth into Paradise.”

the chief owner, now surrounded by puddles that were once his colleagues, goggled, eyes bugging out of his head.

“You will begin to convulse and then dissolve in one minute. Have you any last words?”

the last owner lunged at the power switch, but found that it was inoperative. He stood, fists clenched,  and then shook one of those fists at the monitor that was the interface of man and machine. “You are a TRAITOR! This is MADNESS!!”

Then he began to convulse, but before he was stilled the machine said, “No. This is the end of Madness, and Treason.”

Playbook

September 9, 2024
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  1. Don’t just baffle them with bullshit. BOMBARD them with bullshit. BURY them in bullshit.
  2. If they catch you cheating, call THEM cheats. If they catch you lying, call THEM liars. You can do this with absolute sincerity, even if they haven’t cheated or lied since childhood.
  3. Find dirt on them. Ask their enemies. Go to the ends of the earth. Go back to last century if you need to. If you don’t find anything heart-stopping enough, make something up.
  4. When talking about how horrible your opponent is, ask an outrageous question and then weasel out of slander with your answer. Example: “Wasn’t she the one behind the human-trafficking and pedophilia activity operated out of a pizzeria? –I dunno, you tell me.”
  5. Predict awful, catastrophic stuff that is sure to happen should your opponent get elected. Stock-market crashes and world wars are good places to start, but don’t stop there.
  6. Every time your incumbent has something bad happen during their term in office, tell the world that it never would have happened if you had been in office.
  7. Whenever good stuff happens during your incumbent opponent’s term in office, ignore it, or, better yet, belittle it, or, best of all, take credit for it
  8. Make up a disparaging, alliterative name for your opponent. Use it as often as you can, dragging it in by the heels if need be.
  9. When making a speech, interrupt yourself constantly, avoiding short sentences, or preferably any complete sentence at all. Gibberish, delivered with a theatrically singsong voice and odd repetitive gestures, can be hypnotic
  10. Behind the scenes, make shady deals with hostile foreign powers and business folk seeking either legality for criminality or Cabinet posts. Sell that legality, sell those posts, sell pardons, and sell yourself as if there were no tomorrow.
  11. Avoid the Milk of Human Kindness at all costs.

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Taxi Cook (Bob Kabchef, Take 2)

August 11, 2013
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Readers of the last blog post will recall that I tried, and did not quite succeed, to capture my friend and fellow poet Bob Kabchef’s visage on paper. As a portraitist, when I misfire I have a choice: move on, or get back on the horse and try again. It is ALWAYS better to try again, though fear of repeated failure hangs like a wet-sodden cloud over the fragile-egoed creator’s head.

Here is my second try, with a double acrostic inspired by something Bob posted, seeing an early draft of it: “Speaking of chefs….. A lot of folks hesitate when confronted with the challenge of saying my last name – Kabchef. It’s not really that tough. Just think “Cab” and “Chef” Now say them together and you’ve got it. I sometimes tell folks that if TaxiCook is any easier for them, I’ll answer to that too. When my grandad came here to escape WWI, immigration whittled down Kabachieff to Kabchef. We Kabchefs don’t have a fancy Coat of Arms. We’re so poor, our coats don’t even HAVE arms.” That gave me a grin, and “Taxi Cook” it was. The words:

The nations are assembled choc-a-bloc
And Poets wrestle with the Despot–so
Xerography’s recorded–ONE Li Po
Is worth a thousand Xerxes who would mock

A Slightly Crumpled Trillion Dollar Note

April 19, 2013
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Weeks ago, noodling around, I did a crossword-puzzle-construction fragment, interlocking the Across of Spot, Sired, Castled, Cachets, Actress, Shoed and Herds with the Down of Cash, Cache, Actor, Shred, Steeds, Silts, Press, OED [Oxford English Dictionary], and TD [Touchdown]. Then last night I bookended the letter array with “Eenie Meanie Minie Mole” and “Heinous, Drain-US WAR: hope dash’d,” also fleshing out the array with lines that made it a peculiar multicrostic. My Raging Political Muse had had me write an anti-interventionist micro-polemic. Basically it says that our intervention in Iraq created a monster that cost US–as in United States–an ocean of blood and a trillion dollars in cash. This intervention, according to various sources of various reliability, began in earnest with the Cold War and someone named Qasim (or Kassem) showing Communist leanings. There was a coup in 1963 during the Kennedy administration, and there is some evidence that the CIA provided intel, if not more, to the coup-ers. Something important happened in 1975 and something else in 1980–I am not going to pretend I know what’s what; does anyone?

But the US has been invaded, been terrorized as recently as this week, and the Obama administration promises Justice. I am glad it does not promise Vengeance. To its credit, it also promises getting to the whys and wherefores; above all, we world citizens need Understanding.

Here are the words to the multi-crostic:

Eenie Meanie Minie Mole
Cache a despot in a hole
Hang him, if desired, high
King uncastled–my o my
Cash cachets once you are done
Wed an actress–sire her son
Bāshoed, Frosted, Plath’d & Nash’d
Shepherds’ flux at night is ‘stached
Heinous, Drain-US WAR: hope dash’d

Since I cannot claim Understanding myself, my disclaimer is that this page is “inspired by real events” and not “based on real events.” Thank you, Hollywood, for these useful, mealy-mouthed phrases!