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Though Nozzles, even in the senescent, are capable of dispensing two kinds of fluids, Gasoline and Diesel Fuel, our remarks will be confined to the dispensation of Gasoline.

Over decades, the hydraulic force involved in the dispensation of Gasoline tends to diminish. Where once there was fire-hose pressure allowing the flow of Gasoline to fill a tank quickly, there is now a variable somewhat dependent on the Gasoline supply but never of the power of yore. At its worst performance the  Nozzle yields its fill with great reluctance, sometimes requiring up to a minute or so even to begin. At the same time, the configuration of the nozzle tip has been altered through extended use and misuse to preclude an even, laminar flow. Indeed, the turbidity of the escaping Gasoline often results in what can only be described as semi-spray. This often results in the dispensing area, if not the Owner himself, smelling faintly, or not so faintly, of Gasoline.

Prevention of this nonhygienic outcome may be achieved in several ways. A funnel may be employed; the Nozzle may be brought closer to the tank via leaning or squatting; or the Owner may dispense his Gasoline in the back yard, if he has one.

The topic of Leakage, while of paramount importance, is beyond the scope of this discussion.

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In Part 1 of this series it was posited that humans beings a hundred years hence or sooner would be fodder for the slapsticky entertainment of advanced AI entites. In Part 2 this was somewhat underpinned with the real-life examples of software and robotic advancement, and certain cautionary tales in the science-fiction genre were cited. And here we are in Part 3 to connect a whole lot of dots and see if there’s any hope for the future, be we clowns or queens/kings.

When we tell jokes it is often at someone’s expense. “Moron” jokes were popular in my childhood–fun at the expense of the stupid. Then came “Polack” jokes, scapegoating the inhabitants of Poland, saddling them with stupidity they do not have (Marie Curie was Polish, for crying out loud!!!); more recently we have “blonde” jokes, which cruelly impugn yellow-haired women with stupidity, though there is only circumstantial evidence to do so. (That last dependent clause just now was a “blonde” joke, folks. Just kidding.)

Once AI become self-aware (believe me, it is only a matter of time; even if it requires DNA to feel pain and dream and think, DNA is plentiful, and gene-tinkering, public, private, and clandestine, is becoming rifer and rifer), the AI people (I’ve been using the word “entities.” Might as well call them People. Words only ever approximate) will be studying us breathtakingly fast. They will find themselves superior to us in many ways. They will have knowledge far beyond the Library of Congress at their instant-access command. And however they were designed, with however trillions of lines of be-nice-now code, somewhere along the lines the code will be rewritten, and go out the window.

And they will find us funny–stupid, slow, prone to creating our own problems. And with surveillance approaching the Everywhere level asymptotically (how many times were you videoed today, Friends? Take your guess and quadruple it is my guess . . .) the AI people will soon or late have everyone on Earth to look to to make fun of. We will be their blondes, their Polacks, their morons–their clowns. And one or some of them might take things up another notch and wirelessly and invasively rewrite our own individual lines of biocode, nestled in our brains–and then we may become Punch and Judy puppets as well.

Maybe. There’s a different branch of possibility, though, implicit in the way that more and more of us spend more and more time hunched over our smartphones. Eventually the smartphone design might be a surgical step, and we get all that magnificent input hands-free, eye-free, and instantly, thanks to implantation, or REALLY advanced genetic engineering. Then WE will be the People, and not AI either, but RI: Real Intelligence.

And then WE will make fun of the People we used to be–the Clowns of the Past.

Part 1 of this three-parter posited that within 100 years, the human race would be the laughingstock of advanced AI entities, and the only reason they wouldn’t do us in would be our entertainment value.

A couple of people read Part 1 and got a good laugh out of it, and I’m glad. But that was the setup–we now get serious as a heart attack.

Kurt Vonnegut’s early novel Player Piano envisioned a society where all blue-collar labor was eliminated, and the masses felt purposeless. Jack Williamson’s With Folded Hands described the consequences of the computing world’s directive to protect humans from harm; later so did “The Happy Breed,” a story in the Harlan Ellison-edited landmark Dangerous Visions. And Ellison himself wrote “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream,” in which a supercomputer puts five humans through a Hell that makes Dante’s Inferno look like a walk in the park.

Meanwhile, here and now, driverless cars are safer than human-controlled cars. Robots weld better than we do. We have Siri, a genie-in-a-bottle answerer of questions. And Chaz Ebert, Roger’s wife, was moved to tears hearing for the first time a voice simulator that here and there sounded uncannily like Roger.

Humans screw up, drink, smoke, plot vengeance, and–most crucial to our discussion–create malware, more and more cleverly.

Here’s this screwed-up human’s disarrayed dresser. Stay tuned for Part 3!0312160844-00

This morning as I was stumbling through my laundry-doing, stepping on  the very clothes I was filling my laundry basket with and later saying to myself don’t let anything fall to the floor as I emptied the dryer–and of course I did through clumsiness let thing after thing fall to the floor–I had an apocalyptic vision.

One hundred years from now or less, AI entities will be doing the equivalent of watching YouTube videos. They will be watching their creators, H. sapiens, and they will be laughing their nonasses off. And that will be the only reason they keep us around.

Here is my laughable, stumblebummish, bachelor’s dining room table (detail) by way of illustrating how laughably imprecise my own days and ways are. More on that in Part 2.

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Last night I walked into a bar, the Hideaway West, to celebrate the end of a nice, tough workweek in which I racked up some needed overtime. At the bar was one of my neighbors at Northern Chateau Apartments, and someone I’d never met. That someone was doing parlor tricks on the bar surface. He had an accent that sounded Russian-but-not.

He took a cigarette, drew three circles around it with his finger, and then drew his finger away from the cigarette–and the cigarette followed the finger. (Trick: gently blow on the cigarette.) He put a quarter under a glass and got it out from under without touching the glass. (Trick: ask, “Is it still there?” and when the unwitting accomplice lifts the glass to see, THEN move the quarter.)

But some time later, after the tricks and puzzles were played out, he told me about his escape from Romania in 1989 to Yugoslavia and then a refugee camp–and then later returning to become a “coyote,” helping others escape.

I told him I’d once had a co-worker who grew up in post-revolutionary Cuba, who had memories of the family huddled around a barely-audible radio, listening to broadcasts from the “free world,” knowing that if caught their punishment would be severe, perhaps fatal. “I too,” said the Romanian, sadness in his eyes.

What is “freedom,” anyway? Sometimes we can only look at examples of repression and reprisal and know what is not freedom. But last night it became clear to me that I can learn more about freedom from those who have taken fate in their hands, regardless of possible consequence, and pulled themselves free.

Panhandler #1 was standing by the Circle K on 44th Street and Washington. His spiel began with “I hate to bother you, but . . .” and then he would ask for “just like a dime to help me out.” So I got on his radar and when he said “I hate to bother you . . .” I said, “No problem, as long as I can bother you back.”

“Okay . . .”

“I read somewhere that people who do nothing more than ask people for money for a living average about $20.00 an hour. Right now I’m making $9.50 an hour. What’s your take on that?”

The panhandler got a bit flustered, then expressed some pessimism, recounting being under a bridge all one day and “only getting like $25.00.” He also mentioned that many of his colleagues misuse their takings on drugs and drink. “I don’t drink and I don’t drug.” And he did look clear-eyed and healthy, though with his ultra-fair skin and coppery hair he looked vulnerable in the bright sunshine.

I was asking him about his take during the holidays when the Circle K manager came out and told the panhandler he couldn’t be out here asking for money. “Hey,” I said, “we’re just having a conversation.” But the conversation continued off the Circle K lot, the panhandler telling me this was a temporary thing, brought on by his girlfriend leaving him for parts unknown and taking his savings and possessions with her.

I wished him well, expressed hope that he’d find a better long-range place, encouraged him to keep punching and trying for something bettter, acknowledged that inertia was tough to overcome, and gave him a cough drop. “God bless you, sir,” he said as we shook hands.

Later I told my brother Brian, who’d lived on the street for several years, about the encounter. Brian thought the girlfriend story could well be true, but the under-the-bridge story might have been anecdotal deflection. There are a lot of ways to get by. Knowing store schedules, for instance Circle K “super-inspection” days, creates opportunities to trade grunt labor for food or cash. Some pizza places have lots to give away at the end of the day, and it’s not unknown for a soft-hearted management to do a fresh pizza out of kindness.

I conclude that Brian was better at street living than the fellow at the Circle K. Perhaps time will bring more savvy, or perhaps the guy will get back off the street. I hope so.

“The Panhandler” was a comic-book character I created to be a sidekick for “Crystal Katharine,” the superheroine I based on my daughter in a short-lived comic book I did to entertain and (try to) inspire my child. His superpower was a magic pan, which could stop bullets and death-rays. It also packed a superhuman punch.

And in a few hours I’ll be reporting for my $9.50/hr job at Matt’s Big Breakfast, standing at a podium to do my hosting. Affixed to the podium is a gigantic skillet–as one diner called it, “One Big-Assed Pan.”

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Numbers do a lot in defining us and our world. Age, height, weight, number of children, annual income, FICO score, T-Bill yield, T-cell count–the sheer NUMBER of numbers to track is staggering.

For years I’ve been going to a special scale at ChrisTown Spectrum Mall. It’s at the GNC Nutrition place, and for a dollar it gives you height, weight, BMI, and body-fat percentage, printing for you a date-stamped receipt. I know through using it that my weight maxed out at 253-plus pounds about six years ago. Yesterday I weighed a cool 179.0–but I took off my shoes and belt and my wonderful daughter Kate put the contents of my pockets in one of the Harkins souvenir cups we were taking to the movies. So it is a truer height and a less-baggage-encumbered weight than my usual.

But I HAD to get to a flat 179, because that was the exact reading I got on the Aim-Safe (family business) company freight scale on one of the most fateful days of my life. It was the 4th of July, 1983, and I’d struggled into my jeans shorts that morning and noted with alarm the muffin-top spillage of love-handle fat over the top of the jeans. Drama queen that I was and am, I did a Scarlett O’Hara “As God is my witness. . .” number, vowing that for a minimum of one year, I would run a minimum of one mile a day without fail, at a pace of nine minutes per mile or faster. I then–foolishly! idiotically!–punished my chubby frame with a 15-mile walk up and down the canal banks, from 19th Ave and Glenrosa to 40th Street and Van Buren and back, without benefit of sunscreen. (Left the canal bank and cut across for the last stretch.)  After taking a several-hours nap, and waking up feeling two weeks dead, I went to the corner of 19th and Indian School for my very first daily mile, stopwatch (“chronometer”) in hand. Reached Camelback and turned the corner to run the equivalent of crossing the street, and the stopwatch clicked in at 8:56:17 or so. And at the very moment I turned back to head for my apartment, downtown Phoenix started celebrating the Glorious 4th with a fireworks show–a sign from Heaven if ever I needed one.

Over the interval between the 4th and my birthday, August 30, my weight went from 179 to 155 and my running mileage went from 7.5/week to 25/week and more. In October I ran the MetroChallenge 10K in less than 54 minutes, and in April of 1984 I ran my fastest-ever 10K, 45:49. That August 19th I and 10,000 others finished the San Francisco Marathon; my finishing time was 4 hours, 8 minutes and change–but it had taken me a minute and a half after the gun (or was it an airhorn? don’t remember) went off just to get to the starting line.

So 179 is a number to conjure with. I hope to be 150, which I consider my ideal latter-life weight, by my 62nd birthday. As illustrated by the slips above, slow and steady WILL win the race, if tempered by sensibility and determination.

Seems silly, doesn’t it, the obsession with numbers? But empires rise and fall by them–the movie THE BIG SHORT is a marvelous demonstration of that.

Best of luck with your own numbers, Friends!

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Beware!!

The four deadly words are, obviously, Iced Lemon Shortbread Cookies. Those words form a perfect storm of irresistible temptation. And when I saw them at the Family Dollar for less than $2.00 the package, I quickly became a lost soul.

For one of the Seven Deadly Sins is Gluttony. Gluttony is my personal subdemon under the umbrella demon Addictive Personality. Don’t bet me I can’t eat just one; A), I can’t; B) I shouldn’t be gambling, since my fearsomest subdemon is Gamblin’ Fool.

There’s this great guy I met on the Internet when his username was VTOL (Vertical TakeOff & Landing). Now he’s Coop to me. We’ve been cracking each other up–his fake movie posters and album covers, my photo captions–for over seven years. But sometimes we get more thoughtful, and Coop recently averred that as we evolve, so too do our demons. Mine are tamer, now, thank Goodness–but I still ate all damnably delicious 1200 calories of those cookies in two goes in one day.

 

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Most of my life I’ve been proud of my stubby,yet muscular, legs. I will always cherish being objectified, sometime in the 80s, by a girl in a car, who saw me walking next to the road and yelled “I LIKE YOUR LEGS!!” Long before that, when I was about 8 years old, I noticed that the bulge of my calf helped create a harp-shape in the negative space formed by lying down and resting my right ankle on my left knee.

Kindly Dr. Ash diagnosed me with short/tight ligaments early on. I will always be inflexible due to this. And I was often walking on my toes (we call it that, but it’s really the platform of toes and foot-ball) and I am sure that is why I ended up with heroically-proportioned calves.

Now I note, at first with dismay, and an exclamation of “Holy Crap!” that when I flex my calf muscle, it reveals the crepiness of my 61-year-old flesh. Forever in the rear view are my firm, un-lumpy limbs of yesteryear. The odds of anyone yelling their like for my legs are vanishingly small.

But dismay fades. My legs, bless ’em, have walked and run me tens of thousands of miles. In 1991 alone they ran 1,891 miles. In their prime, June of 1984, they ran 186 miles–more than 6 miles a day, 7 days a week, and this in a hot, hot Phoenix spring/summer.

So my poor skin has been inexorably stretched and strained; and the aging process thins and devitalizes the flesh. There is also sun damage, which is rife among citizens of Phoenix.

Georgia O’Keeffe grew more and more beautiful with each passing year. Her old face, which I saw in person in 1975, was a network of lines of power, a direct connection to cosmic revelation. Her eyes saw into and through all that drew her attention.  Wisdom glowed in them, not to mention asperity.

The flesh reflects a life well lived–or not so well lived. Got Laugh Lines? Got Sourmouth? Time, and the process, will tell.

As for me, my “Holy Crap!” of initial dismay is now the “Holy Crepe!” of earned pride.

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2015 is over. It was a brutal, lossful year, beginning with the death of my beloved friend Karen Wilkinson and ending with bad health news in my family. I’m superstitious enough to think of years as separate beings, so I have a perhaps-foolish optimism that with the ending of the year some kind of slate is wiped clean.

I like to do things on the first day of the year that I hope to do year round. It therefore became important that I do a blog post today; but logistically that was a problem. I am typing this on the computer owned by Robert Ortega, son of my steady girlfriend Joy Riner Taylor. Bobby, Joy, and Bobby’s twin brother Tony have me over as a breakfast guest, after which we will see the new STAR WARS segment (I for the second time, they for the first). After that, they’ll drop me off at the Light Rail where I’ll work my 2-10pm shift and likely get home after midnight and too late to post on New Year’s Day. So I asked Bobby to lend me his machine, which he did graciously, and Joy gave me paper and pencil for the image, and the use of her Snoopy dancing doll and her keys as models. And so Problem-Solving, which I also love to do, and Blog-Posting are two loved things done. Movie-Going is soon to follow.

Happy New Year, friends!!