Archive

Tag Archives: existentialism

when the horizon ceases retreating

and reveals itself to be the event horizon

into nothingness,

you are approaching the Abyss

with its constant, gentle tug on you,

and near-subaudible surroundsound, a compelling

whisper, both lullaby

and anthem.

if you anchor yourself to the still-here

and lean over a bit

it’s a rare opportunity

to see and hear that obliterative destination

and, if sufficiently defiant,

to spit in its non-eye.

.

a good, clean look into the Abyss reveals it to be

a nonreflecting mirror,

a sensory-deprivational membrane, deep

yet infinitely thin, in which your speculative notions

are trampolined and echoed back into your head.

the lullaby? you have hummed it yourself all

your life, from God i just want some sleep to

there must be peace and quiet somewhere…

the fight song that kept you going

when you were on the brink of breakdown:

i can do this one more day, i swear/that’s all i can commit to, I’m aware.

you continue fearlessly looking into the Abyss

and sensory deprivation causes crazy colors to swirl

like a melted bowl of electric-rainbow sherbet,

and snatches of deceased-friends conversation,

surely hypnotically suggested and induced,

drift up.

no one is really there

yet a throng is UNreally there, making itself heard

as loudly as the imaginary numbers

essential to mathematics.

any spit you had intended to launch into the Void

has evaporated; or maybe the Abyss took it from you.

it is time to back away.

.

a notion persists

long after you retreat to the safety of solidity:

we are not alone

when we cease to be.

I can never resist a Bad Pun. ICAD stands for Index Card A Day, and for the last several years has been conducted from June 1st through July 31st. But “I, Cad” might also be the title of my autobiography, Cad meaning Scoundrel.

Here is my jumpstart of ICAD. The leftmost is a cover page of sorts, the center is a quick study of the suffragette Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and the rightmost says “I found to my astonishment that I do not exist.” It is an oblique reference to the prophetic novel 1984. Winston Smith was told he did not exist.

20190602_105831

Oddly, depending on when you the reader read these words, I, like Schrödinger’s Cat, do or do not exist. Some of my dead friends may still be found on Facebook.

If I do not exist, I have ceased being a cad, and I no longer suffer. Just about everything has an Up side.

[photo by the late, beloved Karen Wilkinson]
smallmouth grunts 101412 - Copy

vitals

born 22,147 days ago
not dead yet

no fire in the belly right now but some rumblings

there was a writers conference at phoenix college yesterday
jana bommersbach read from her book about a woman unjustly lynched
beth kendrick described an exchange with her editor that led to rewriting; “the jell-o had set”
(personal: crystal gkill may be the subject of an acrostically poetic page)

five miles of walking in the warm afternoon led to a pre-sick feverishness
muscle spasming after bedtime led to a bad night’s sleep

hope has been a slowly rising variable for the last three weeks
(some wonderful spikes; some awful troughs)

judging from pre-campaign-trail shenanigans the country will continue to be run by baboons

…ellipsis…

life is good and wretched and huggable and golden and sewagey and puzzling and careworn and unblessedly existential