How would one go about getting Chelsea Handler’s attention? Throwing money at her wouldn’t do any good–she’s loaded, one of her claims to fame being having the #1, #2 and #3 top books on the New York Times Bestseller List. Outrageous behavior is no good; she can out-outrageous you with her hand tied behind her back. (It’s probably flipping you off.) Offer her a late-night talk show? Someone already went there and did that.

No, what you need to do is to write her a sonnet. But not just any sonnet–make it an Acrostic sonnet. But not just any Acrostic sonnet–make it refer to the most intriguing of the Madonna movies, Desperately Seeking Susan. And then put a good quotation by Chelsea on it, and an illustration enhancing the quotation…hey, Chelsea, do I have your attention now?

Here are the words:

Delilah would’ve loved her story arc
Especially the Boyfriend dump–delish
Scenarios to rival Kubrick/Clarke
Photography to stir an Eric Fischl
Enjoyment of an all-year Mardi Gras
Required a Little Person with a ‘stache
And NYT Best-Selling–ooh la la
That Horizontal Lifestyle’s led to cash
Elle Magazine–a Hosting gig–La Strada
Let’s see her do a runway left-hand turn
Yell epithets One, Three & Five–they’re odd
Sass fast on Laura Dern if wearing dirndl
Kiss kiss bang bang, young lady, if you dare
Good karma may well follow–this I swear