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You’ve been recruited. You’re in a cadre of superheroes whose sigil is the profile of a straightbellied orange pig against a deep gunmettally green background. Your superpower and your mission are identical: you alchemize food service into performance art.

Or: You wake up at 2:45 AM, shower, floss, brush, dress, do your flight-check of absolutely essential items, walk four-odd miles in the dark pre-predawn to the northwest terminus of the Valley Metro Light Rail, catch the 5:00 AM edition of the Light Rail and have it convey you to 44th and Washington, get on the escalator, get on the moving walkway, get on another escalator, get on the Sky Train, hear the automated voice botch “East Economy Station” for the kajillionth time, get out at Terminal Four, and call a manager at 5:53 AM to escort you through TSA testing at the security checkpoint. Your clockin time is 6:00 AM.

Or: in three days you’ve done a ton of watch&learn, and the first thing you ought to learn, but don’t, is to get out of the way. “Walk with purpose,” one of the wait staff, loaded with meals and right behind you, says, and you finally get it. Later you’ll learn to hurry without seeming to. But your head is full of the table numbers and the names of everyone and where you need to be most of the time, a few crucial times, almost never (the bathroom, for instance–act accordingly!), when you need the manager’s override, where you cannot go without an escort, and how to field frequently-asked questions.

Or: a LOT of people are getting to know you awfully fast, and it’s a kaleidoscope of welcome-to-my-worlds when you get to know them. One is AMAZING!! LIVING the DREEAM! One is a magician who arranges a table for five in a split second. One is a bartender with the self-assurance of Zeus. One is a cross-country runner with a full trophy case on the rez. They’re special, and they’re treating you like one of them. You’re “Buddy” and “Baby” and “Brother,” and that’s just the Bs.

Or: You’ve been on your feet for six solid hours with no letup. You’re OK above the ankles but your left foot has decided to cramp at odd intervals and you can’t always walk it off. Finally you get philosophical about it. Bring it on, you stupid foot.

Or: You press the CLOCK IN/OUT part of the screen, slide your card, assure the machine, which sometimes scolds you, that you ARE clocking out and you’re NOT taking a break, and your receipt/record of a week’s worth of work comes sliding out, and you realize that you’re where you should be right now, doing exactly what you should be doing.

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As I type, it’s early Saturday morning, and third-round action of the 2013 Masters tournament has not yet begun. Presently, Tiger Woods is three under, tying him for 7th place. Everyone is focused on him for several reasons, among them 1) he’s been playing phenomenal golf lately, winning his most recent tournament, the Arnold Palmer Invitational, for which he (or, more accurately, his team) received more than a million dollars, plus a big emotional hug from Arnie (not his team–just him); 2) his recent reattainment of his #1 world ranking represents a years-long struggle in the wake of his marriage-ending contretemps with his now-former wife, Elin Nordegren, whose marriage settlement according to the New York Daily News was in excess of one hundred ten million dollars; 3) a shot to the green Mr. Woods made on the 15th hole yesterday was so good, it hit the flagstick, and then richocheted squarely backward, ending up in a pond and changing a probable birdie to a bogie–a bogie that could have been much worse but for incredible skill on the part of Mr. Woods.

If you’re not familiar with golf, much of the above is gibberish. Since Gibberish is the clandestine topic of this post, it’s appropriate that I dish out some.

Why Gibberish? Because Golf IS Gibberish, metaphorically speaking. It is a game in which a carefully-crafted ball is hammered repeatedly by carefully-crafted sticks wielded by imperfectly-crafted human beings, who strive, following rules that are convoluted beyond belief, to eventually roll the ball into eighteen different holes. A substantial portion of the world’s wealth is affected by this activity, directly or indirectly. Migration patterns and habitat changes are directly attributable to its environs. It is one awe-inspiring work of performance art that I would entitle THE ABSURDITY OF HUMAN BEINGS IN THE PERVERSION OF THEIR DRIVES, since even at my most serious I cannot resist a pun.

If there’s anyone still reading, thanks so much for your attention. Here are the words to the quadruple, two-pairs-of-allotropic-words acrostic:

Surf, silliness, & Realtors rake in the megabucks
To climb & claw atop a peak with Taurus near a cusp
Respondents take a helicopter canyon to arroyo
Or jet on to Hawaii for the LPBA tour
Persnickety flaccidity persists; now back to Curt

RIP Curt Gowdy, for whom I had both respect and (misplaced; I was young) amused contempt.