My Girlfriend Is My Shepherd

My Girlfriend is my shepherd. I shall not want

For guidance. She counseleth me

To take my raiment, food-soiled by my clumsiness,

And soaketh it in the magic blue fluid

Anointed by the cold still waters

Until the stains are annihilated.

She leadeth me in the paths of righteous hygiene

For my self-respect’s sake. She restoreth

My Dr. Scholl’s.

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of Cluelessness,

I shall fear no misstep,

For Thou art with me,

Thy speed-dial and spank-ruler

They come for me.

Surely, For-My-Own-Goodness

And You’re-Not-Going-Out-Dressed-Like-That,

Are-You?? shall follow me

All the days of my life,

And I shall dwell in the house of Watch-Your-Step,

Buster

For ever and ever.

Amen

(Apologies to the author of the 23rd Psalm)